BLOG 2: THE BEGINNING - WHEN PAIN ENTERED MY LIFE

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Written by Rachel Kirkbride

For much of my adult life, I was busy, powering through and coping. I built a professional career, got married, became a mum of three and tried to keep all the different parts of life moving and everyone happy to the best of my ability.

Then, shortly after the birth of my third child in 2016, I began feeling pain…everywhere.

In my legs, arms, back, torso - even my hands and feet. Not just pain, but stiffness, sensory sensitivities, brain fog and a bone-deep heaviness that made my body feel decades older than thirty-five. Imagine the day after running a marathon, combined with the skin tenderness of flu, except it never goes away.

And persistent pain is tiring. It wears you down in a way nothing else does. I’d often describe it to family and friends like this: “if a single pin-prick is tolerable, thousands across your body again, day after day, are not”.  The only time I wasn’t in pain was when I was asleep.

But frustratingly the pain was easily worsened too by poor sleep, stress, or simply pushing too hard. Frequently I’d wake up and feel like my body had forgotten how to rest - like I’d spent the night running uphill rather than sleeping.

Parenting a newborn and five-year-old twins through that, was…relentless. It wasn’t “baby brain” or postnatal tiredness (after twin babies, you know what tired feels like!). This was something else entirely. It made even simple tasks - like getting ready in the morning - feel monumental.

I had blood tests, scans and examinations to rule out conditions including multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus and cancer. Eventually, a rheumatologist brought the symptoms together under one diagnosis: fibromyalgia.¹

Having a name for what I was experiencing brought some relief, but not a meaningful explanation. I was told there was no cure and that treatment would focus on managing the condition, which was pretty daunting.¹. I was prescribed several medications, including high doses of Tramadol, and was referred to an NHS pain clinic.

 

Doing what I needed to get by

At the time, functioning was the priority. As a minimum I needed to look after the children, get my daughters to school and their various clubs, keep some sort of organised chaos in the home, and return to work. The medication didn't remove the pain and stiffness, but it dulled them enough to help me through those early days, and for that I remain genuinely grateful.

However, knowing what I know now about the pain science and recovery, I would have probably made different choices. What I didn't understand were the longer-term implications of taking a strong opioid painkiller. Gradually, Tramadol became something my body relied upon simply to remain level. Over time, the same dose no longer seemed to have the same effect, yet it was only many years later that I realised quite how high a dose I had been taking.²

Fairly early on, I stopped the other medications and reduced the Tramadol by a third. I had no understanding of modern pain science back then, but instinctively I didn’t want to take more medication than I genuinely felt I needed, although it was still a considerable dose. Something told me this couldn't be the whole answer.

Somewhere beneath the pain and exhaustion, I could not accept that this medicated, foggy version of me was as good as life was going to get - for myself, my children, my husband or anyone close to me - I wasn’t prepared to spend the rest of my life treading water with a pair of shitty armbands.

 

Searching for answers: the early days

I also kept thinking about ageing and the hormonal changes still ahead of me and wondering:

What on earth am I going to feel like in ten, twenty or thirty years if I do not at least try to help myself now?

Perhaps it was stubbornness! Perhaps curiosity. Or perhaps it was simply the part of me that, despite the ups and downs, has always refused to give up.

For years, however, I continued searching for relief almost entirely within the body. I researched fibromyalgia specifically and focused on managing the symptoms, rather than understanding what was driving the wider pattern.  Like many people with persistent pain, I tried physiotherapy, chiropractic treatment, acupuncture and other physically focused approaches, spending money we could ill afford in the hope that one of them might finally make a meaningful difference.

Some offered temporary relief. Chiropractic manipulation, for example, could ease general stiffness for a day or so and leave me feeling a little lighter and my muscles looser, and I do not dismiss the wider benefits of those therapies. But none significantly changed the widespread pain, fatigue and sensitivity of fibromyalgia. At times, even my children hugging me could be painful, so therapeutic touch or massage - pressure that was intended to soothe - could instead feel painful and overwhelming, making my symptoms worse.

Although I had always eaten a reasonably balanced diet, looked after myself as best I could and rarely drank alcohol, improving my nutrition did help my general wellbeing. I realised, however, that the answer to reducing my pain wasn't going to lie in juicing copious amounts of fruit and vegetables alone - although it was certainly worth a try! Instead, I became more mindful of choosing foods that supported my overall health, digestion and hormonal wellbeing, rather than focusing on restriction, perfection or denying myself some treats.

 

Finding a way forward

Movement, Pilates and learning to listen to my body

I knew from the beginning, that I had to keep moving.³

Although there was some discomfort, I learnt very quickly how much worse I would feel if I didn't move my body. In those early days, there were times when simply getting ready felt like a win. I think most of us know instinctively that inactivity can cause stiffness and even pain, whether from sitting at a desk all day or after a long car journey or flight. So, with chronic pain and stiffness already as my baseline, I also knew that not exercising would only make those symptoms worse, leaving me feeling not only physically worse, but, as a consequence, mentally too.

However, exercise that I would have done before fibromyalgia - like a spin class, a circuit session or even hours cleaning the house (admittedly, in my usual meticulous fashion!) - could wipe me out for the next few days. I learnt that the hard way more than once!

This is when I turned to Pilates. I had previously attended ad-hoc matwork classes and workouts at home after my first pregnancy, mainly to help with back pain and sciatica. But this time I also discovered reformer Pilates - long before it became quite the phenomenon it is today - and started doing it regularly. What I loved was that it met my body where it was at depending on the day, rather than where I thought it should be.  It eased some of the stiffness, helped me regain strength and mobility, improved my energy and left me with a calmer, clearer head. It didn't cure my pain. But it began to rebuild my relationship with my body. As a form of exercise that brings together breath, awareness, mind and movement, I slowly started becoming more curious about what my body was trying to tell me – rather than seeing it only as something painful or broken that needed to be fixed.

I had already noticed that stress seemed to make everything worse. During particularly difficult periods, my pain and other symptoms would flare. If I was overwhelmed, I would often develop a headache or migraine. The IBS I had experienced intermittently from my mid-teens, would become more troublesome. My sleep would become poorer and very restless. It became increasingly difficult to ignore the connection between my mental wellbeing and my physical symptoms. Deep down, I think I knew this already. At various points in my life I had tried CBT and general meditation to manage anxiety and everyday stress, and they had helped to some extent.

What I didn’t yet fully understand or appreciate was quite how profound that connection might be in relation to my chronic pain and other symptoms…

 

Looking back, I think this was the point when something began to shift.

For years, I had focused almost entirely on what I could do physically to manage my symptoms. And some of those things genuinely helped. Movement helped. Pilates helped. Looking after my nutrition and general health helped.

But none of them explained the bigger pattern.

They didn’t explain why stress could amplify my pain.

Why migraine, IBS, poor sleep and anxiety seemed to flare alongside it.

Or why my body could feel as though it was under constant threat when no clear physical cause could fully explain what I was experiencing.

I still didn’t have the answer.

I was beginning to realise I had been asking only part of the question.

And that realisation is what eventually led me somewhere completely new.

 

Next Time…

BLOG 3: UNDERSTANDING CHRONIC PAIN - WHAT MODERN SCIENCE KNOWS ABOUT PAIN

Next, we’ll look at the science that finally helped me understand the part of the picture I’d been missing: what pain actually is, the role of the brain and nervous system, why our protective systems can sometimes become overprotective - and why understanding that can completely change the way we think about chronic pain and recovery.

 

Gentle Reminder : I am not a medical expert. Everything I share here and on Instagram is based on my own lived experience and the approaches that have helped me personally, drawing on research and literature from those who are experts. This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always speak to your doctor or another appropriately qualified healthcare professional if you are concerned about symptoms or a medical condition, and before beginning a new exercise programme where appropriate.

References and further reading

The references and further reading below, inform this ongoing series.

 

Join the wider conversation

This post is part of an ongoing Changing the Narrative Blog series.

If you’d like to see the accompanying chronic pain awareness and recovery Instagram reels, or related content across Pilates and Movement, Mind and Body Wellbeing, Calming Interiors or Feel-Good Fashion - or if you’d like to leave a comment:

You can find it over on Instagram @rachel_kirkbride

 

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Rachel Kirkbride
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BLOG 3: UNDERSTANDING CHRONIC PAIN - What BRAIN SCIENCE HAS DISCOVERED
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BLOG 1: MY STORY WITH CHRONIC PAIN & FINDING A WAY FORWARD